Silicone, silicone everywhere and not a drop to drink

…said the snake. You’ve heard the story, right? In the news a couple of weeks ago? A model handling a snake during a photo shoot had her fake boob bit by the snake…who promptly died. Her silicone implant supposedly ruptured and the snake ingested some. They gave her a tetanus shot for the snake bite. But what about that silicone that’s doing a slow drip inside of her. You know, the silicone that KILLED THE SNAKE. Well, apparently, the story is not true. The snake did not die of silicone poisoning. That was just a rumor that major newspapers picked up without verifying. Must be nice to get paid for making stuff up. “Um, never mind,” said the fiction writer.

What about this story? A mother of a four-year-old is suing a private pre-school because it did not adequately prepare the child to take the entrance exams required to get into the most elite elementary schools in New York. She’s also claiming they didn’t prepare her daughter for the Ivy League. Lady, you’ve been smoking too much ivy. You make Tiger Mom look like a pussycat rolling in catnip. Get a grip. She’s four. And go see the film Race to Nowhere. The popcorn’s on me.  

Talk about people who are out of their quacking mind…Gilbert Gottfried. When you’re the spokesduck for a major insurance company, maybe you shouldn’t make jokes about tsunami victims. Only “Aflac”ing idiot would do that. Or a comedian.

 …Or a governor’s press secretary. Governor Haley Barbour’s press secretary, Dan Turner, resigned after making a Japan earthquake joke in an email. When public figures want to moonlight as comedians, they should take a tip from the Unknown Comic. Insert head into paper bag, do a little dance, tell joke, return to day job, no one the wiser.

And thanks to ABC for sending the wonderful message that you can destroy their offices and break their windows, sending glass raining down on the pedestrian-filled, Times Square streets of New York, and be invited back for another interview. And the award for prolific creator of real-life stories he doesn’t want to talk about in interviews goes to…Chris Brown. Idiot!

“That’s all the news that’s fit to print,” said the journalists.

47 Comments

  1. SuziCate said,

    March 25, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    The things people sue for is sometimes ridiculous…and even more ridiculous is that they often win, or companies settle because it’s too costly to litigate…it’s a shame that often too many people want something for nothing or want to blame anyone for their own responsibility…ok, I am going to shut up and step down from my soapbox right now or I might end up typing an entire book in this comment box!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • March 25, 2011 at 2:44 pm

      I so agree, Suzi. Suing is becoming a formal career for some people because, as you say, companies will settle either to avoid costly litigation or bad press. There should be steep penalties for frivolous lawsuits. Of course, there’s the problem of defining “frivolous.” I’ve been shocked by some of the cases that have been won over the years.

  2. March 25, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Stories. The world is interested in stories. We devour stories. As you’ve pointed out this can be our poison. I hope it is also our cure. I like the idea of writing stories that turn the tide….even just one wave’s worth. If enough of us did that, could it make an ocean?

    The blog world is trying.

    Oh, did I mention my alias? Polyanna.

    • March 25, 2011 at 2:54 pm

      Big grin, Rebecca. We need some Pollyannas in the world to balance it out. Happy, positive stories in the news don’t attract as much public interest as the sludge does. I’m sure there are tons of psychological reasons why we are drawn to such garbage. I’ve always been amazed that Oprah Winfrey was able to stick with her positive programming and be successful with it when so many people seem to hunger for low-life entertainment.

      You keep writing your tide-turning posts and I’ll keep showing up for a moment’s peace. Deal?

  3. Jim Gilligan said,

    March 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I hear you on the media overload. I was watching “Real Time with Bill Maher” last week, and one of his guests–I think it was Annabelle Gurwitch–discussed our inability to do anything in private anymore. An apology, a confession, grief, celebration, mourning, sex–nothing seems to matter unless it happens on a talk show or on the Internet. So we proudly display our shortcomings, hold other people responsible for our problems, and refuse to take responsibility for our actions…

    • March 25, 2011 at 2:59 pm

      On a bright note, the braggarts who used to walk around boring everyone with the minutiae of their lives are now too busy, tapping away on their tiny keyboards and posting to Facebook or Twitter, to blow their puffs of hot air our way. Rejoice! It’s much easier to ignore a post than to ignore someone talking at you in an elevator. ;-)

      Thanks for the visit, Jim.

  4. March 25, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    The Funny Times has a contributor that lists things like this from all over. They are astonishing like these. And compounding that, many of these people actually have themselves convinced they are victims and even more crazy is that some win their court cases.

    • March 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm

      I wish there were data comparing how many people felt like victims in in the early 1900s compared to 2011. I bet some people who had the most right to feel like victims didn’t feel as victimized as some of these individuals do today. Why might that be?

      • March 25, 2011 at 7:01 pm

        Because back then people prayed for strength and earned their own way and today people pray for things and expect them free. We live in the Entitlement Age.

      • March 25, 2011 at 7:14 pm

        Sad but true, Carl.

  5. girlboxing said,

    March 25, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Love it! Life really does get absurd doesn’t it!

  6. markp427 said,

    March 25, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Whoever started the snake rumor is a real boob. I’m just sayin’.

    • March 25, 2011 at 5:58 pm

      :-D True, but I was really enjoying my fricking and fracking when I thought everyone was okay with letting the silicone continue to leak.

      In a few years, she may have looked like this in her next snake gig:

      S u U

      The S would be the snake of course. Just sayin’. ;-)

  7. March 25, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Most parents don’t let their children get away with naughtiness, but the media? Sheesh. They have no scruples at all.

    • March 25, 2011 at 8:27 pm

      If you blindfolded me and read me articles from the newspaper and The National Enquirer, I wouldn’t be able to tell you which was which. That’s sad!

  8. Roberto said,

    March 25, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    I just have one word in response: WINNING!

  9. Jess Witkins said,

    March 26, 2011 at 12:14 am

    Wow, I would’ve believed that snake story, that’s gross and freaky. Add oddly poetic. :)

  10. Melinda said,

    March 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I wonder sometimes what goes on in the head of these people that act or say before thinking it through. How can Japan’s tragedy be joke material is beyond me. They should be sent to the rubble for a week and experience the “humor”. The preschool lady…there’s always one in every school isn’t there? :P

  11. huffygirl said,

    March 27, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    You forgot to mention the NPR fundraising scandle. People in prominent places making prominent gaffes – makes our news interesting and gives plenty of fodder for shows like “Wait, wait, don’t tell me…”

    • March 27, 2011 at 8:31 pm

      Even more interesting when conversations are edited and lines taken out of context, which seems to happen with greater frequency these days. There was a great article in the paper a few weeks ago about Derek Jeter. To paraphrase, he said when you’re interviewing me, I’m listening carefully to what you’re saying and what you’re not saying. I believe he even said something about being careful about nodding lest it be taken as agreement. Smart man! But imagine how taxing it is having to look at every sentence under a microscope as you’re trying to get through an interview.

  12. March 27, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Somehow I missed the silicone snake story! I did just look it up and eeeewwww. Soft snake porn is the only description. If the snake hadn’t deflated one of them, her too tight top would have busted one. (pun intended). I was hearing and seeing some jokes about Japan and couldn’t believe it! What is wrong with people? Just ridiculous. I’m also glad I’m not a Tigermom. I couldn’t deal with any more nagging than I already have to do. ;)

    • March 27, 2011 at 10:46 pm

      If you were able to miss it, I’m so very sorry I called your attention to it. ;-) Yeah, it was pretty eeeewwwwwwwyyyyyyy. And apparently chewy, too, yuk yuk yuk. Okay, I’ll stop now.

  13. bronxboy55 said,

    March 28, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    The line between truth and fiction gets blurrier every day. We seem to have reached the point where something is true if enough people think it is. And if that sounds scary, wait until we pick up a little more speed. Who’s driving this bus, anyway?

    • March 29, 2011 at 12:14 pm

      You’re so right. And considering that much of the time the media gets it wrong, I can see why lawyers fight to have trials moved. We’re spoon-fed the desired public opinion. It’s hard work reading a newspaper these days. You’ve got to read the lines and then between them.

  14. Jessica S said,

    March 28, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    I had heard the part about the fake boob attack, but I hadn’t heard the secondary rumor about the snake dying. So, your post managed to illicit an “Oh my!” moment, as well as an “Oh” moment. LOL! Well done!

  15. afrankangle said,

    March 29, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Seems the common theme here could be credibility and accountability – then again, that’s also a matter of perspective. The sue-happy mother’s action is because she’s wants to hold the school accountable. Of course she does so in lieu of her own accountability and credibility.

    The snake story is a good example of the many misconceptions people hold. For instance, snakes suck with their fangs. There’s no such thing as suckage. Hmmm – nothing sucks – not even vacuum cleaners.

    Sorry I haven’t been around since my first visit … my mistake, a bookmark issue.

    • March 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm

      Good to see you again! I have to disagree with you on the “suckage.” Plenty of things suck–like the reporting in the newspaper.

      I read that fact about snakes after reading the silicone story. But vacuum cleaners? Maybe you need a new one. ;-)

      • afrankangle said,

        March 29, 2011 at 1:40 pm

        My science side is coming out. Vacuum cleaners don’t “suck” in air or dirt – they actually create the condition causing air to be pushed into the vacuum cleaner – actually with hopes of taking unwanted particles of dirt/dust/etc into the bag.

        Now sucks in terms as a description of newspapers, politicians, a bad movie, etc … that doesn’t qualify as suckage. Back to the snakes, whose fangs are for puncture, (not suckage, which doesn’t exist). OK … hopefully I haven’t totally confused the situation. Just try to sift through real stuff and embedded humor. :)

      • March 29, 2011 at 5:01 pm

        I have to reference my copy of “The Way Things Work” to read up on this vacuuming stuff. (I could just go to Google, but I love the drawings of the wooly mammoth in the book. ;-) )

  16. March 29, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    I’m a mother of a four-year-old (and a two-and-a-half-year-old). And your post is so true! It makes me so mad when mothers blame their children’s caregivers. If I had a guess, I’d bet the teachers treat that child better than his or her own parents do. Suing a preschool? Are you kidding? When I think of the things she’s teaching her four-year-old, to blame others, to sue, to strive for ridiculous heights, to not be happy with the life you were given… OH it makes me so mad. But I said that already. There are so many other things that mother should really be teaching her four-year-old. Maybe someday he’ll teach them to her. (Thanks for the rant!)

  17. Val Erde said,

    March 30, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    A four year old, good heavens! I mean, if the four year old were that advanced wouldn’t the kid be the one to sue? ;)

  18. TheIdiotSpeaketh said,

    March 31, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Yep…All the people you listed are true idiots….. I play one on my blog, but I am not in those idiots leagues…. :) I should think of going back and suing my Pre-K teacher for my turning out to be the way I am now….hmmmmm

    • March 31, 2011 at 5:03 pm

      Hey, it’s all the rage. You’d probably win. But there are worse things than admitting that Aldous Snow is your favorite philosopher. ;-)


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